We've known each other for quite some time now and I feel like I should share something with you. I have a hatred problem. There are so many things in this crazy mixed up world that are worthy of my unique brand of hatred. For instance: People who sit on the same side of the booth at a restaurant when it's just the two of them, people who use the word 'Supposably', or anyone that starts a sentence with 'Last night I was watching MTV...' All of these things have special places carved out for them in hell but this next thing has its own floor reserved.
I hate Direct TV.
I get the irony of that statement. I run a world renowned television blog yet I hate the biggest television provider on the market. Allow me to explain.
I despise Deion Sanders. I hated him when he was an overrated arrogant high stepping asshole that played on every single one of the world's worst teams. I hate seeing him on NFL Network giving insightful commentary such as "He has got to catch that ball Rich." No shit Deion? He's a receiver. Until recently I could still avoid seeing him on television... Until recently. I'm sure you've seen the advertising campaign Direct TV has unleashed on an unsuspecting viewing audience. Now I have to watch Deion flutter around my television with a pair of fairy wings talking about NFL Sunday Ticket. All I need now is Michael Irvin in an angel costume talking about how Direct TVs DVR features are 'Oh so heavenly'.
Now don't get me wrong, I happen to like some of the things Direct TV has done in the past. The Russian opulence guy? Genius. But what do they do? They replace him with Dat Phan. If you don't remember Dat Phan allow me to refresh your memory. He won the first season of Last Comic Standing, beating out one of the funniest comics I have ever had the pleasure of seeing live Ralphie May, by telling 4,000 jokes about how funny his mother talks. Seriously every joke he told had the same underlying theme, his mother talks funny because of her race. He's like a low budget version of Chris Rock. NBC gave him a half hour stand up special after winning the show and no one had seen him since, until now.
Ever flip through the Direct TV guide trying to find something interesting to watch? Have you ever read some of the channel summaries? I don't know what hamfisted assclown is in charge of writing these for Direct TV but they should be drug out into the street and forced to read every single one of the hack job summaries they have ever written, while being run over by cars. I saw an episode of Degrassi the other day and the summary was 'Consequences'. That's all there was, one freaking word. And I saw the information for an episode of Scrubs that said 'Zach and Donald put off a yearly tradition to spend time with their patient.' Seriously? How effing slow do you have to be to realize that Zach and Donald are the actors that play JD and Turk?
Direct TV is also responsible for 70% of the frustration I suffer while writing this award winning internationally renowned blog. The internet provider Direct TV uses doesn't provide service in the Mayberry-like town I live in, so I am forced to use Comcast. (That's a whole other WDoH) And don't even get me started on how a single cloud forces me to miss the season finale of Doctor Who. You are the world's largest satellite television provider and you can't fix the fact that a thin layer of cloud cover causes your system to crash harder than the
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