Weekly Dose of Hatred

This hatred has been a long time coming and I have to thank Fiat for making it possible. Before they decided that a horrible, ill tempered, hispanic woman who's only real claim to fame is an ass only slightly smaller than her ego would make a fantastic spokesperson for an Italian car that hasn't been mentioned outside of crossword puzzles in years, I was content to never even think about the subject of this week's hatred. (That popping sound you hear is the head of every English teacher I've ever had after reading that sentence.)

I hate Jennifer Lopez.

I cannot, for the life of me, recall enjoying anything with this spoiled overwhelmingly untalented crapstain of a woman in it. Once in college I dated a girl who forced me to watch "Maid in Manhattan". Her argument was that it was an 'awesome movie' and I was 'going to love it.' It was not and I did not.

"Gigli". If you enjoyed that movie I want you to turn off your computer. You have no only lost all TBA privileges but you are also no longer allowed on the internet. I have spoken to Al Gore and the rest of the people that run the internet and we all feel the same way. If you liked "Gigli", you are hereby banned from the world wide web.

Completely oblivious to her own shortcomings as an actress, recording 'artist', and human being Jennifer Lopez has a long history of ridiculous demands and despicable behavior:

The Shitty Tipper Database has a full list of entries about how poorly this multi millionaire treats people in the service industry, leaving 2 dollars on a 752 dollar check, 3 dollars on a 732 dollar check, 25 cents on a 625 dollar check and left nothing twice, on tabs of 387 and 245 dollars.

One of my favorite websites What Would Tyler Durden Do came across a portion of a rider Jennifer Lopez demands at any of her appearances.

And the latest from a woman so horrible that even Marc Anthony refused to keep her around as his beard:

"While Lopez (would) have consumers believe she returned to the gritty streets of her hometown, she actually never set foot in the Bronx during the filming of the Fiat spots.
Instead, the role of “Jenny from the Block” was played by a body double.
While the Lopez lookalike was actually behind the wheel in the Bronx, Lopez herself was in Los Angeles, where she was filmed inside a Fiat 500.
The shots of the actress were artfully merged to make it appear that she was tooling around New York City’s poorest borough." The Smoking Gun

And by far the worst thing she's done is to become a judge on "American Idol", which along with "The Big Bang Theory" is destroying my beloved "Community". See what I did there? It all comes back to "Community".

That's talent.

Weekly Dose of Hatred

Astute readers will no doubt have noticed that the Weekly Dose of Hatred has been decidedly less weekly than I originally intended. I'm kidding of course, Blog Name TBA doesn't have astute readers.


I hate Mixed Martial Arts.

For those of you lucky enough to have been spared painful introduction to the bro-iest of sports, allow me to explain. Mixed Martial Arts, or MMA if you're douchey, is a rapidly growing sport wherein two men who have obvious issues with the sizes of their penises are dropped into a six sided cage and instructed to beat the shit out of each other in order to sell Mountain Dew. It's the more violent, less rigged, just as stupid version of boxing and now the networks are starting to jump on the testosterone fueled bandwagon. Fox, embarrassing parent of my beloved Fx, recently signed a contract with the UFC to televise some of their matches which until now were mercifully hidden on pay-per-view. I've also been told that there is some sort of reality television show where hopeful meatheads with no discernible social skills live in a house and fight to see who gets to win a contract with the UFC. Unfortunately I don't own enough Axe body spray to watch Spike TV, so I cannot confirm or deny whether this show actually exists.

And of course mixed martial arts is not without their own disgusting fanbase that mainly consists of either roided out frat boys or overweight overcompensating assholes. They are easily identified by their blindingly sparkling attire manufactured by either douchebag magnate Ed Hardy or the equally cretinous Tapout. They travel in packs, pockets full of Rohypnol, and flock to whatever establishment is currently showing the big fight and selling Redbull.

Fans of mixed martial arts are the AT&T of people.

Each and every one of these date raping frat boy assholes should be tossed into a six sided cage and forced to fight to the death over the last can of Four Loko. That would be a fight I might actually watch, then again CBS would probably buy the rights to it and lay a laugh track over it, so maybe not.

Weekly Dose of Hatred

Today's WDoH is brought to you by all the assholes that tune in to make shows like Dancing with the "Stars", American Idol, and X Factor national phenomenons. I might hate them more than

I hate televised talent shows.


I cannot, for the life of me, understand the appeal of glorified talent shows. Shows like American Idol, America's Got Talent, Sing Off, Dancing/Skating with the "Stars", and the newest polished turd to come out of Simon Cowell...The X Factor offer next to no perceived value to anyone except the people that win them and become famous for 3-4 weeks before the next talent show wraps up. What causes millions upon millions of Americans to flock to their televisions in eager anticipation to watch Chaz Bono and Nancy Grace shake their respective fat parts while their dance professional partners struggle to keep up with their "star" partner's spastic movements? Do people love the fact that their vote counts, because unless you enjoy watching the previously mentioned lumps of humanity, your votes don't count.

Talent shows are things that children hold at summer camp. Raise your hand if your kid has ever brought home a flier from school asking for volunteers for their reenactment of a single camera situation comedy. Anyone got kids doing a procedural cop drama show at their local elementary school? Has anyone reading this post ever been to a summer camp that had a special "Parent's Weekend Talk Show"? Exactly, televised talent shows are probably the lowest form of entertainment. Except of course for anything on MTV.

It's maddening that out of the top 20 network shows every single week, 5-6 of them are 'Talent Show' and 'Talent Show Results Show'. Americans not only love to watch these mostly talent less piles of garbage shake and sing for the approval of millions of texting fans but they love to watch the horrible pop culture icons these shows create. Case in point, William Hung.

I'm calling it right now. We are about 2-3 years away from a legitimate network (I'm looking at you CBS) airing an entire hour of awkward, horribly unfunny kids doing inane skits in the log cabin cafeteria of Camp Anawanna. And no, Saturday Night Live doesn't count...they have their own set.

Weekly Dose of Hatred

Gee...Uhhh what could this Dose of Hatred be about?


I know what all of you are thinking.

"There have been so many incredible Weekly Doses of Hatred. Can he possibly keep up this blistering pace?"

"He can't keep this up. He's going to run out of things to hate."

"Wow, he looks great in those jeans. I wonder if he works out."

Rest assured folks, if you are a fan of pure bitter seething hatred... You've come to the right place. And no, I don't work out. My ass is naturally sculpted.

I hate Jim Belushi. (I bet from the banner image you thought I was going to hate cats in sunglasses)

I know, it seems a bit harsh to hate another human being. What did Jim Belushi ever do to me anyway? I'll tell you what the hell that bastard did to me. Eight excruciatingly unfunny seasons of According to Jim. Eight mothereffing seasons. That's five seasons longer than Arrested Development. Five seasons longer than Star Trek. Two seasons longer than The Wonder Years.

For eight seasons ABC beat us over the head with proof of how unfair life really is. Why couldn't Jim have been the brother that got hooked on coke and died far too early. (Too soon?) I'll frigging tell you why... Talent always goes before crap. Phil Hartman starred with Andy Dick on Newsradio (Only 5 seasons, BTW). Now, Phil is in the afterlife making dead people and ghosts shoot milk out of their noses, meanwhile Andy Dick is free to grope people in the parking lot of a Buffalo Wild Wings. But I digest.

As if eight seasons of not being funny wasn't enough, America's favorite television station CBS decided to team him up with the Sonny Bono to Rebecca Romijn's Cher, Jerry O'Connell in a remade comedy/drama about lawyers. After not being funny for so long you'd think this would be right up Belushi's alley. I bet you'd also think that Glee is an incredible television show and we need more Acapella on television. You would, of course, be wrong. No one needs any more Acapella anywhere, and Belushi was crap on that show as well. It barely got 18 episodes out.

Then ABC came along and in its infinite wisdom decided that poor Jim Belushi just hadn't received a fair shake. So this is going to happen:

The project, titled You Won’t Even Know I’m Here, has received a put pilot commitment from the network. ABC Studios and studio-based Brillstein Entertainment Partners are producing. The multi-camera comedy, written by ["Murphy Brown" creator Diane] English, stars Belushi as a co-dependent father whose relationship with his teenage daughter is turned upside down when they are put together in a unique situation.Deadline

The career of Jim Belushi is nothing more than the (nerd)WWE title run of Rey Mysterio shortly after Eddie Guerrero died(/nerd). Hey Jim, we're sorry your more talented brother died. Here's a 30 year show-business career. No hard feelings, right?

Weekly Dose of Hatred - Weekend Edition

Since I don't have Photoshop just pretend this picture of a stick figure is something cool.


So today as I was rigging the mainsail on my 40 foot yacht it suddenly dawned on me... I forgot to post the WDoH this week. So that means the four people that actually check out this site are in for a real treat, Weekend Hatred.

This week's hatred comes to you all courtesy of enigmatic commenter 'Anonymous' who told me that I should spew hatred all over the remaking of classic television sitcoms. So here we go:

I hate rehashing old sitcoms.

Let me clarify my position on the all too common practice of remaking old sitcoms that found success in the past. This practice only pisses me off when it pertains to American television rehashing American television. Some of the best American tv shows have been remakes of shows from different countries; Sanford and Son, Wilfred, and The Office just to name a few.

What really makes the hair on the back of my knees stand up is when American television execs think that just because something found success in the past that it will relate to people today. Seriously, how hard is it to come up with some new original programming? There are hard working people out there in the world who churn out brilliant material daily but because Bewitched made a bunch of '50s housewives excited about their miserable life of ironing, raising kids, and silently fighting communism they are destined to continue working whatever meaningless day job they have.

I realize this website may seem, at times, like an FX fansite but its for good reason. Look at some of the programs that have found 'success' on FX: Justified, Louie, Archer, Its Always Sunny, Damages, Sons of Anarchy... All original programming. All fantastic shows. I'm sure the three major networks have far more money than little old FX, even if it is owned by Fox. So it only makes sense to spend that seemingly limitless capital on Hawaii 5.0. The hair gel and shoe lift budget of Scott Caan alone must be like 3-5 million dollars. Don't even get me started on the fact that a Charlie's Angels remake is now a thing people can watch on television. And if that weren't enough, there is talk of remaking The Munsters. Seriously? They want to remake a show that wasn't even as good as the show it was copying? I don't care who I piss off, Herman Munster was awesome but he couldn't hold a damn candle to Gomez Addams.

I want to speak personally to all of the high powered television executives that read my blog:

Listen guys. Original programming. It's not a difficult concept. You don't need to put down the glass of Macallan 50, the underage Filipino prostitute doesn't even have to come out from under the desk... We both know you have about 7 or 8 poorly paid network interns cleaning your olympic sized swimming pool right now. Pull two of them aside, give them a bus pass, and tell them not to come back until they find five original scripts that don't mention Charlie Sheen, Kate Gosselin, or Paris Hilton. We just got those dickbags off of television, we do not need them coming back in a remake of Three's Company. Dammit, you know what...forget I said anything.

Weekly Dose of Hatred

We've known each other for quite some time now and I feel like I should share something with you. I have a hatred problem. There are so many things in this crazy mixed up world that are worthy of my unique brand of hatred. For instance: People who sit on the same side of the booth at a restaurant when it's just the two of them, people who use the word 'Supposably', or anyone that starts a sentence with 'Last night I was watching MTV...' All of these things have special places carved out for them in hell but this next thing has its own floor reserved.

I hate Direct TV.

I get the irony of that statement. I run a world renowned television blog yet I hate the biggest television provider on the market. Allow me to explain.

I despise Deion Sanders. I hated him when he was an overrated arrogant high stepping asshole that played on every single one of the world's worst teams. I hate seeing him on NFL Network giving insightful commentary such as "He has got to catch that ball Rich." No shit Deion? He's a receiver. Until recently I could still avoid seeing him on television... Until recently. I'm sure you've seen the advertising campaign Direct TV has unleashed on an unsuspecting viewing audience. Now I have to watch Deion flutter around my television with a pair of fairy wings talking about NFL Sunday Ticket. All I need now is Michael Irvin in an angel costume talking about how Direct TVs DVR features are 'Oh so heavenly'.

Now don't get me wrong, I happen to like some of the things Direct TV has done in the past. The Russian opulence guy? Genius. But what do they do? They replace him with Dat Phan. If you don't remember Dat Phan allow me to refresh your memory. He won the first season of Last Comic Standing, beating out one of the funniest comics I have ever had the pleasure of seeing live Ralphie May, by telling 4,000 jokes about how funny his mother talks. Seriously every joke he told had the same underlying theme, his mother talks funny because of her race. He's like a low budget version of Chris Rock. NBC gave him a half hour stand up special after winning the show and no one had seen him since, until now.

Ever flip through the Direct TV guide trying to find something interesting to watch? Have you ever read some of the channel summaries? I don't know what hamfisted assclown is in charge of writing these for Direct TV but they should be drug out into the street and forced to read every single one of the hack job summaries they have ever written, while being run over by cars. I saw an episode of Degrassi the other day and the summary was 'Consequences'. That's all there was, one freaking word. And I saw the information for an episode of Scrubs that said 'Zach and Donald put off a yearly tradition to spend time with their patient.' Seriously? How effing slow do you have to be to realize that Zach and Donald are the actors that play JD and Turk?

Direct TV is also responsible for 70% of the frustration I suffer while writing this award winning internationally renowned blog. The internet provider Direct TV uses doesn't provide service in the Mayberry-like town I live in, so I am forced to use Comcast. (That's a whole other WDoH) And don't even get me started on how a single cloud forces me to miss the season finale of Doctor Who. You are the world's largest satellite television provider and you can't fix the fact that a thin layer of cloud cover causes your system to crash harder than the porn illegally downloaded music prayer filled computer I use to publish this blog.

Weekly Dose of Hatred

I realize it's been a very quiet week here at TBA and there is a perfectly good reason for that, several good reasons actually.
It's football season and that means if I'm not watching my beloved LSU Tigers or New Orleans Saints I'm frantically shuffling my Fantasy lineup trying to find the best arrangement of the crap I was stuck with. (Ed Note: If you play in a 16 team league, get ready to start Jason Campbell in your opener.)
Also my kid is in school now so most of my mornings are spent in a beautiful tandem nap with my 11 month old. And the third reason is, I'm lazy. Have you not been paying attention? Anyway, it's time to get back to business and what better way to do it than with a good ole dose of hatred.

Now I must admit, as epic as the WDoH has been in recent weeks, it is fairly easy to hate MTV and The 'Learning' Channel. It's like fishing with dynamite in a barrel of monkeys...I think that's right. Anyway I figured I would dig down deep this week and come up with something really worthy of hatred but not so very obvious.

Saved by the Bell is Wyld Stallions of nostalgic 90's television. People absolutely love watching Zack Morris look into the camera like a slightly less awkward Jimmy Fallon, they love seeing which tank top/zubaz pants combo AC Slater is going to wear, people love Saved by the Bell. Not me.

I hate Saved by the Bell.

Admit it, most of the love you have for this show stems from the irrational nostalgic love people have of anything from the 90's. You weren't really entertained by the preppy little blonde rich kid in the California public school carrying the 45lb cell phone. No one gave a shit about the heartwarming story of AC Slater who's father got moved around from base to base forcing him to put up a gerry curl wall around his heart when it came to making friends. Lisa Tuttle and the black phrase they wedged into her dialogue every week so that they could still operate under the illusion that she was black didn't make Saved by the Bell Must See Television. Dustin Diamond was only slightly less of a despicable human being as Samuel 'Screech' Powers than he is now. Ok so watching Kelly Kapowski and her power bangs prance around Bayside High may or may not have done some things to me in my youth, but it didn't make up for the absurdly creepy magician/waiter that preyed on the students of Bayside every week.

And it only made sense that a show about six over-privileged southern California teenagers would put out a handful of preachy episodes about timely issues.

There was the Oil Spill episode where black gold was found under the Bayside High football field and it killed the class pet duck. (Ed Note: What?)

Then there was 'No Hope with Dope' where an anti drug commercial was shot at Bayside High only to have Zack and the gang find out that the Hollywood actor that starred in it...smokes pot! *gasp*

Zack crashed Lisa's mom's car after getting drunk at a party and trying to drive it home. There was a very touching moment where everyone finally comes clean and Zack admits to driving drunk, of course it came after Saved by the Bell's signature comic hyjinx wherein they try to fix the car before Mrs' Tuttle can find out.

But the absolute best 'Very Special Saved by the Bell' and without a doubt the high point in the show's otherwise dismal run was 'Jesse's Song". I found a clip of it and let me just say I am so excited to show it. I'm so excited. I'm so scared. (See what I did there? It's called segue, NBD.)



There is a joke to be made about this clip and the scene in Showgirls where she flops around like a dolphin having a seizure while getting drilled in the pool, but I'm going to take the high road and let you come up with your own.

Weekly Dose of Hatred

In the wake of the MTV Video Music Awards I felt compelled to express my white hot undying hatred for the channel formerly known as Music Television.


I hate MTV.

I really don't know where to start. There is so very much to despise about MTV, but since they just aired the VMAs let's start there.

For MTV to hold an awards show based on music videos is like Chris Brown throwing a birthday gala for Rhianna. In the beginning MTV and music videos seemed like such a perfect pairing. They went places, held hands, displayed affection publicly...but then while on a date one night MTV pulled its car over and proceeded to punch music videos over and over again in the face, allegedly.

MTV then used its former paramour as a platform to even bigger fame with animal crap in human shaped bags from Jersey, fat white trash teenagers who had dollar signs in their eyes as they were getting plowed by some random guy that had already agreed to appear on tv with them when the baby was born, and every spoiled overprivileged 16 year old girl having a birthday party.

I've already discussed the modern day slavery clauses that go into a Real World contract and yet people still continue to line up at MTV's door in the hopes that they might somehow be able to embarrass not only their family but every person who ever lived in the state they came from. "No, I'm not from the same place as Trishelle Canatella, I'm from a different Louisiana."

There are three effing hours of music videos in an entire day's worth of MTV programming.

Three hours.

That means there are 21 hours of such future television classics as Rob and Big, Teen Mom, Jersey Shore, Jersey Shore After Hours, Jersey Shore Free Clinic, Real World, Real World Challenge, My Super Sweet 16, whatever show Bam Margera is doing this week, and of course 47 daily replays of the 2011 VMAs. Yet the brain trust that runs MTV felt as though 21 hours of pure unadulterated free flowing shit wasn't nearly enough to retard the youth of America. They needed to create MTV2, which to its credit boasts an impressive 3 and 1/2 hours of music videos.

As if all of that weren't enough, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag should have been either killed in some industrial machinery accident or forced to work as drug mules in some Mexican village, but nooooooo. MTV had to make them famous. Because of MTV me and most of the world can easily identify these two talentless assdicks.

F you MTV. I hate you.

Weekly Dose of Hatred

So I've been a professional blogger now for about four weeks and four times I have drunk from the sacred cup of White Hot Hatred with you. This week we tackle a special target in the Weekly Dose of Hatred. Join me.

When you look at the state of television programming today it's not surprising how easy it is to place blame. It would be easy to blame the network execs who care more about their $42,000 a night underage Laotian prostitute than they do about original quality programming. It would also be easy to place blame on the overabundance of channels today. There are 5 channels dedicated to As Seen on TV products. Let that sink in for a second. Five channels whose purpose is to sell you shit you don't need that other channels have already tried to sell you.

It would be easy to blame all of that, but the real villain here is you.

I hate you.

You know who you are. You're either too lazy or too brain dead to follow the intricate character development of a show like Justified but a handful of spoiled, socially retarded, hyper aggressive 17-23 year old strangers in a house filled with booze will light your DVRs up like the 4th of July.

You are the asshole that watched every incarnation of Flavor of Love, "because it was so bad it was good". Bret Michaels contracting 7 previously unknown strands of herpes is not compelling television. You cant get enough of the at home lobotomy kit that is MTV's programming.

You validated the existence of people so starved for the limelight that they would be willing to fill the world with innocent child upon innocent child just for 15 minutes of fame. Children who, when they grow up, will have attention, fame, and money thrown at them by people like you just because they are Gosselins or Duggars.

By allowing According to Jim to run 9 seasons you have allowed Jim Belushi to labor under the very false assumption that he is funnier than his brother John. Look at him, you just know that asshat believes he's the funnier Belushi...

You keep watching Entourage allowing the midget sized douchey manchild that plays Turtle to be able to retire without ever doing a single days work.

You let them cancel Arrested Development.

But worst of all, and I will never forgive you for this, you brought these people into our lives.

Sweet fancy Moses in a birch bark canoe, I hate you.

Weekly Dose of Hatred

I hate the Kardashians.


I hate every last one of these self promoting, spoiled, annoying, rich bitches but for the purpose of this post I'm only going to highlight a couple of them.

#1. Kim. Allow me to run down Kim Kardashian's resume. Ahem...
'Got pissed on by Ray J, little brother to R&B singer/hit and run murderer Brandy.' You just can't buy a stronger start than that. Our introduction to Kimberly Noel Kardashian was paying to download a shaky handicam video of her getting a golden shower from the star of VH1's For the Love of Ray J. I'm not entirely sure which came first, the urine or the television show, mainly because I really don't want to do any real research on this family but I like to imagine that some network exec at E! was surfing the web and found her sex tape and immediately wrote up a pilot for Keeping up with the Kardashians.

#2. Khloe. How is this prehistoric creature even famous? She doesn't sing, she doesn't act, she could barely defeat Mothra. See what I did there? She's gargantuan so I compared her to Godzilla. But seriously, from the eyes down she looks like the kid from that Cher movie, Mask.

#3. Bruce Jenner. Could be worse. At least he didn't end up like those two Reebok guys, Dan and Dave. Yea, that's right. Decathalon Summer Olympic reference from the 90's. NBD.

Your Weekly Dose of Hatred

It's that time once again folks, time for a good old dose of white hot seething hatred. So buckle in and get ready to hate with me.

I hate TBS.

The image at the top of this post should read: TBS - We air a bunch of already proven television shows and some crap Tyler Perry created. There are so many reasons to hate TBS, making Chipper Jones a household name not withstanding. From 6:00am to 5:30am the next day there is a whopping three and a half hours of original programming and two hours of that is Conan and Lopez Tonight.

Hey America, look over here. Whichever one of you started the rumor that Tyler Perry is funny...I will find you and I will end you. Now, now, now I don't want you to think I'm racist. Some of my best friends have friends that are black. And even they don't think Tyler Perry is funny. And why the hell do you have to put your name in the title of everything you do? Tyler Perry presents Meet the Browns. Tyler Perry's House of Payne. Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry's Life Story, presented by Tyler Perry. And I know this isn't television related but that ridiculous Madea character...Not funny. Madea's Day Off, Madea Scared Stupid, Madea goes to Jail, Madea goes to Camp. Tyler Perry is the new Jim Varney. Tell a friend.

Unfortunately with such a little amount of original programming there's only so much hatred I can dole out. Umm, I don't know... They also air reruns of According to Jim and Everybody Loves Raymond. Die in a fire.

But thanks for giving Conan a show. I do appreciate that.


I realize that, including this WDoH (that's weekly dose of hatred, acronyms are cool), have all been directed towards networks and to be fair I could direct the next 40 at a different network each time, but that would only leave like three or four networks that didn't get highlighted. So stick with me for TBS and I promise I'll switch it up next week.