Weekly Dose of Hatred

This hatred has been a long time coming and I have to thank Fiat for making it possible. Before they decided that a horrible, ill tempered, hispanic woman who's only real claim to fame is an ass only slightly smaller than her ego would make a fantastic spokesperson for an Italian car that hasn't been mentioned outside of crossword puzzles in years, I was content to never even think about the subject of this week's hatred. (That popping sound you hear is the head of every English teacher I've ever had after reading that sentence.)

I hate Jennifer Lopez.

I cannot, for the life of me, recall enjoying anything with this spoiled overwhelmingly untalented crapstain of a woman in it. Once in college I dated a girl who forced me to watch "Maid in Manhattan". Her argument was that it was an 'awesome movie' and I was 'going to love it.' It was not and I did not.

"Gigli". If you enjoyed that movie I want you to turn off your computer. You have no only lost all TBA privileges but you are also no longer allowed on the internet. I have spoken to Al Gore and the rest of the people that run the internet and we all feel the same way. If you liked "Gigli", you are hereby banned from the world wide web.

Completely oblivious to her own shortcomings as an actress, recording 'artist', and human being Jennifer Lopez has a long history of ridiculous demands and despicable behavior:

The Shitty Tipper Database has a full list of entries about how poorly this multi millionaire treats people in the service industry, leaving 2 dollars on a 752 dollar check, 3 dollars on a 732 dollar check, 25 cents on a 625 dollar check and left nothing twice, on tabs of 387 and 245 dollars.

One of my favorite websites What Would Tyler Durden Do came across a portion of a rider Jennifer Lopez demands at any of her appearances.

And the latest from a woman so horrible that even Marc Anthony refused to keep her around as his beard:

"While Lopez (would) have consumers believe she returned to the gritty streets of her hometown, she actually never set foot in the Bronx during the filming of the Fiat spots.
Instead, the role of “Jenny from the Block” was played by a body double.
While the Lopez lookalike was actually behind the wheel in the Bronx, Lopez herself was in Los Angeles, where she was filmed inside a Fiat 500.
The shots of the actress were artfully merged to make it appear that she was tooling around New York City’s poorest borough." The Smoking Gun

And by far the worst thing she's done is to become a judge on "American Idol", which along with "The Big Bang Theory" is destroying my beloved "Community". See what I did there? It all comes back to "Community".

That's talent.

So this happened...

The ninth season premiere, starring Ashton Kutcher taking over for Charlie Sheen, delivered 27.7 million viewers Monday night — that’s in the ballpark of an American Idol premiere.

Even more impressive: The sitcom scored a 10.3 rating among adults 18-49. That’s easily an all-time high for the show, and up 110 percent over last fall’s eighth-season debut with Sheen. Everybody expected the sitcom’s first new episode back would perform strong, but not like this.EW

Yuuup. 28 million people watched Kelso, Ducky, and the fat slow kid that makes more money in one season than I will ever see in my whole life. 28 million people.

Let me put this into perspective. According to the 2009 US Census the population of California is around 36 million people. Let's say 5 million of those people are under the age of 3 and therefore wouldn't get most of the jokes on Two and a Half Men. Now factor in about 2 million people who are too hip to watch television, it is California after all... And let's say about a million people attended Two and a Half Men premiere parties. (Ed Note: I don't know if that is an actual thing and for the love of all things good and pure I honestly hope it is not.)

What you have left is the amount of people that watched the premiere of Two and a Half Men. 28 million people sat around their televisions eagerly with bags of popcorn, two liters of Fresca or whatever assholes drink, and Red Vines because who doesn't like Red Vines? and tuned in to this horrendous excuse for a television show. Enjoy television while you can folks because the end of days cannot be far away now.

Weekly Dose of Hatred

So I've been a professional blogger now for about four weeks and four times I have drunk from the sacred cup of White Hot Hatred with you. This week we tackle a special target in the Weekly Dose of Hatred. Join me.

When you look at the state of television programming today it's not surprising how easy it is to place blame. It would be easy to blame the network execs who care more about their $42,000 a night underage Laotian prostitute than they do about original quality programming. It would also be easy to place blame on the overabundance of channels today. There are 5 channels dedicated to As Seen on TV products. Let that sink in for a second. Five channels whose purpose is to sell you shit you don't need that other channels have already tried to sell you.

It would be easy to blame all of that, but the real villain here is you.

I hate you.

You know who you are. You're either too lazy or too brain dead to follow the intricate character development of a show like Justified but a handful of spoiled, socially retarded, hyper aggressive 17-23 year old strangers in a house filled with booze will light your DVRs up like the 4th of July.

You are the asshole that watched every incarnation of Flavor of Love, "because it was so bad it was good". Bret Michaels contracting 7 previously unknown strands of herpes is not compelling television. You cant get enough of the at home lobotomy kit that is MTV's programming.

You validated the existence of people so starved for the limelight that they would be willing to fill the world with innocent child upon innocent child just for 15 minutes of fame. Children who, when they grow up, will have attention, fame, and money thrown at them by people like you just because they are Gosselins or Duggars.

By allowing According to Jim to run 9 seasons you have allowed Jim Belushi to labor under the very false assumption that he is funnier than his brother John. Look at him, you just know that asshat believes he's the funnier Belushi...

You keep watching Entourage allowing the midget sized douchey manchild that plays Turtle to be able to retire without ever doing a single days work.

You let them cancel Arrested Development.

But worst of all, and I will never forgive you for this, you brought these people into our lives.

Sweet fancy Moses in a birch bark canoe, I hate you.

Your daily dose of hatred

Update: Some people said that the banner image wasn't working so I changed it. This one works just as well. I'm going to call him Cooley Buttenstein. He might just be a regular fixture here!


I know it's a little early in the week for hatred. Especially for a blog that claims that hate isn't its main theme. But this particular entity....oh boy does it deserve some hate. So sit back and revel in the pure unadulterated hate!

I hate TLC.

I don't think there is enough hatred in this world to adequately express the way I feel about The 'Learning' Channel. I honestly believe that it is a plague that has been thrust upon mankind and will end up eventually bringing about the End of Days.
Let's take a look at some of the shows featured on The 'Learning' Channel, shall we?

Nick and Vanessa's Dream Wedding - Ahh, a veritable who's that of celebrity weddings

Toddlers and Tiaras - I don't think I am out of line when I say that I wish every single one of these families would simultaneously be struck by lightning, have something incredibly heavy dropped on them, and then ridiculed for their participation in this horrible excuse for a television show. These mothers should be drug out into the street, painted up like their poor daughters, and then shot by Chris Hansen. Spencer Pratt is a better human being than these mothers.

Kate Plus 8 - Look for the sequel next year "8 Plus Child Services"

19 kids and counting - I don't...I can't even...

I could list the rest of these shows but instead I'm going to just give one word that illustrates what they are about.
Gypsies
Cupcakes
Midgets (I know that encompasses like 30 different TLC shows)
People-drowning-in-their-own-filth (That one counts)

The worst part about this horrid dry heave of a television channel is that most of America eats this shit up. Allow me to use my imagination brush and paint you a picture of a typical meeting of the creative (and I use that word loosely) team at The 'Learning' Channel...

Asshole #1: We need to come up with a new show! Somebody get the board!
Assholes #2 and 3 pull a giant dartboard out of a closet. The dartboard is sectioned off into 'Midgets' 'Chocolate' 'People who are upsettingly fertile and shouldn't be' 'Obsessive Compulsive Bottom Feeders' 'Brides' and 'Sarah Palin'.
Asshole #1 throws four darts at once hitting four different horrible ideas.
Asshole #2: Yay! Our new show is about what happens when Sarah Palin wants to renew her vows and hires a pair of midget chocolate cake makers that own a company made up of their 23 midget children. And in episode two, Kate Gosselin wanders in looking for someone to watch her kids so she can sign books for overweight housewives that hate men.
Asshole #3: Ooooo! Crossover!

That's exactly how it happened. I know a guy and his older brother told him that story and its totally true. The 'Learning' Channel crams this shit down our throats and tells us that its not only entertaining, but that it has something to do with learning. Its insulting and pathetic aaand of course America can't get enough of it.

Editor's Note: I'm not sure if the header picture is the actual programming schedule. My television isn't allowed to go to that channel.